Blog: Your Relationship to Relationships

There are no shortage of relationships in your life. You have a relationship to your friends, your family, your work, your body, your money, your success, your goals, your dreams, your wishes, your fears, your beliefs, and so on and so on. The list is pretty exhaustive for most of us. How do all of these relationships impact you? My intention for this letter is to let you know that if you have any challenging relationships in your life, you are definitely not alone. But the relationship is NOT the issue. The issue is your relationship to the relationship.

With so many relationships to manage day in and day out, it can become quite challenging listening to the many opinions about how to navigate and participate in all of these relationships. We tend to get confused and buy into the misunderstanding that it is the person or situation that is to blame for all the emotional experiences we have around them or it. I challenge you to consider that this is not the issue at all. Instead, I challenge you to believe that people and situations change as soon as our perspective about them changes.

Let me give you an example: It was the first day of class for my two year Master's in Spiritual Psychology program, and we jumped into our first counseling interaction. We sat in the chair looking into the eyes of complete strangers who would quickly become our closest friends, as we immediately began to share the deepest wounds and issues in our lives. You can imagine the level of judgment that was occurring on the first day as people began to share. (We actually barely even knew it, as we had yet to receive the lesson about judgment.)

I recall going to lunch with a group from class, and I could already witness the posturing of people after having been so vulnerable, trying to gather back the walls and masks they felt way more comfortable being behind. I could feel the energy of the group judging one particular person as they shared continuously, giving very little room for anyone else to have a word. Over time, I witnessed how this person continued to get under people's skin as they incessantly talked and talked. I noticed that my classmates witnessed what was occurring on the surface, and due to their own discomfort and unwillingness to explore deeper, they avoided getting into conversation with this person entirely. However, this person's habit left me curious. What could it have been in this person's past that triggered the need to be heard? I decided to get an answer. We went to lunch and I began to learn the details of this person's childhood, and the truth was revealed.

As a foster child, this person went from family to family never really knowing who they could count on next. Several of the homes they were placed in were not in healthy environments, and on many occasions, between the formative age of five to seven, this person was locked in their room, alone, for hours at a time. Those early years are a time where a child is seeking reassurance, validation and attention, so every time they left the room they were desperately seeking that affinity and rapport with someone.

As they grew older, they would unconsciously monopolize anyone's attention they could get, so that they could "catch up" for all the lost time they had spent alone. With this perspective it became apparent why they needed to be the center of attention, and why they had no situational awareness of their non-stop chattering. For me, having compassion for this person was easy. I would clearly share what time I had available to talk with them, and I would request that we would take turns sharing every few minutes. Over time we grew a beautiful friendship with healthy boundaries and clear communication.

As soon as I had gained this new perspective, I also gained understanding, patience, appreciation and compassion. If there are relationships in your life that feel judgmental or overbearing, maybe it is time for you to ask some new questions. Sometimes you will need to embark on an internal inquiry first, so you can really understand your internal trigger point. You don't always have to start with having a big emotional heart to heart with people that are at the source of your upset, in fact that is sometimes the last place to start. Instead, ask yourself how you feel misunderstood, judged or misinterpreted and then ask, has this EVER happened any other time in my life. The answer will ALWAYS be yes. It is your job to start the investigation into what was the earliest time you can remember feeling whatever way you are feeling now. This, I assure you, is not the first time you are feeling this way. The closer to the root of the issue we can access, the closer we can get to beginning the healing process, and the deeper the healing is. I call it the DOMINO EFFECT.

When you heal a deep emotional wound that you have avoided or hidden from for years, it almost always heals all the auxiliary wounds of a similar nature or feeling. One solution for everything. What a novel idea. How do we heal it?

Here are three simple steps that are the MOST important steps for healing:

1. Identify all your judgments and criticisms that you place against yourself and others. Use those judgments and criticisms, and say this stem sentence for each: "I judge myself as..." "I judge (x) as..." "I criticize myself/someone/something as..."

Example: I judge myself as unworthy, or I criticize myself as incapable.

2. Now use those judgments and criticisms to practice loving forgiveness by saying this stem sentence for each: "I forgive myself for judging myself as..." "I forgive myself for judging (x) as..." "I forgive myself for criticizing myself/someone/something as..."

Example: I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy, or I forgive myself for criticizing myself as incapable.

(You are not actually unworthy or incapable, but our judgments are temporary beliefs that when said over and over for an extended period of time can imprint themselves in our minds as our actual beliefs.)

3. Once you feel you have forgiven parts of yourself, now it is time to offer yourself a new perspective by stating what the truth is.

Example: The truth is that I am doing my very best, and I am worthy simply by being given the gift of being born. I am living my purpose, and positively impacting people, as I uncover it more and more.

By practicing these three simple exercises whenever upset or challenge arises, you will live fully aligned with your purpose and clear of your positive contribution. I empower you to begin to look at your relationship to your relationships. Are they the picture of peaceful personal freedom, or are they the source of anger, frustration and self-criticism? It might be time to practice transforming them. May you enhance your relationship with your self as your #1 priority. You are your most important resource!!